A vicious circle

Last night I was so tired that I cried & cried & cried a little more.
A few months ago I did better off of getting just a few hours of sleep. Then one night I went to bed when everyone else did (no later than 10) & have been doing that ever since. Now my body has changed & I need that much sleep every night. But I am figuring that out the hard way.
Monday I started helping a neighbor who has her own cleaning company. We are cleaning a rather large house. Our day started @ 8am & ended @ 2:40 because I had to be home @ 3 to get 3 kiddos off the bus (starting part 2 of day), then they left & I started the next part of helping w/ homework, cooking dinner, supervising a bath for the little one & getting her into the bed. Then school & housework, the full-time job that I do had to begin. I stayed up pretty late into the night doing my "real" jobs.
Yesterday our day started @ 9 (and keep in mind we all know my day starts @ 6:20 when I hit the ground running, getting kids fed & off to school, cleaning up after they leave, etc.). We ended early because we both were tired. Climbing 3 stories multiple times a day for someone who isn't exactly in shape is killer. But getting off early didn't mean I got much of a break. I walked in the door & started my @home job. Cleaning, school work, kids home, etc.
By 10pm last night I was sitting @ the computer taking another end-of-section quiz (47 sections more to go) bawling my eyes out.
I'm tired!
So why am I doing this work? Why did I add more to my plate?
We set a limit on how much we were spending on Bean for Christmas.
We set a limit on what we were spending on each other for Christmas.
But every year we go over that limit because I normally have a job outside of the home where I get a fat bonus about this time. And Shawn has normally in the past been able to pick up extra hours at work. Those 2 things that normally bring in tons of extra money aren't happening this year. I figured the things I got Bean would be enough...and honestly they will be for her. She would not complain come Christmas morning. It's me. And it's her Daddy. We were both spoiled rotten children. We both got way too much for Christmas. And we both want the same for our only child. Who knows if this will be her last Christmas as an only child. Who knows if we have NO money next Christmas & can't get her anything. I'm not going to go into debt like most parents do this time of year. Everything I purchase will be paid in cash. I just want her to have a magical, spectacular Christmas.
So I'm working my tailbone off to make sure I can give that to her.

Plus I don't know about you but there's always got to be one big present that Santa brought.
Everything she asked for or wanted wasn't big stuff so hopefully if things turn out right & I get the money I'm expecting then the spoiled rotten little girl will have one of these when she wakes up Christmas morning.



And since she found the hiding place where all her presents are this will be a total shocker to her.

I thought I left name calling back in elementary school

I heard an expression once....
If you accuse someone so much of doing something then they are eventually going to do it anyway.
Such as a cheater - if you accuse a significant other of cheating every chance you get then they are eventually going to do it because you already think they are.
I never really believed that but it seems to make some sense.
Like how I'm being pegged as a horrible bitch, horrible wife, horrible person, etc.
I realize I'm not the happiest person, nicest person every SINGLE day of my life but I honestly think there are many more days that I go out of my way to help others & be a good person.
I do realize it will never be enough for some. That some will still no matter what see me however they want. Or call me what they think I am at that current moment, knowing mouths yap & things always get back to me.
Having said that I'm thinking I mind as well become the person that everyone "knows" I already am...a bitch.
At least until the attention is pointed towards someone else.

Lucky #13

My Aunt Thena is having Giveways over on her blog.
I entered one last night & won.
Ya'll should really check out her blog & enter to win something.
I'll let you know as soon as I get my prize...Set of two burpies to save or re-gift.

Monday's suck

Monday mornings I log onto my FB account & there are many status updates about how Monday sucks & how the weekend needs to hurry up b/c it sucks having to go back to work on Monday's.
There are so many outburst I could spit out about the updates but I just keep my little mouth shut.
I'm going to vent a little here instead of blast people outright.

*Be thankful that you got to see another Monday. Because you aren't in control whether or not you wake up each morning & God blessed you with another Monday to wake up out of your comfy bed. Many people will die before you wake up today & that could have been the last Sunday night you ever had as well.
*Don't rush the week. You aren't promised tomorrow, next week, next month, next year so why rush the day, the moment you have right now b/c you never know it could be your last.

Onward from the morbid talk....

I LOVE Monday's. Being a stay at home Mommy/wife, I love when the weekend ends because I can add some normal routine back to my life. Come 7am I have an empty house so I can straighten things up without someone 5 minutes later messing it back up.
I get to enjoy the house being quiet, nobody running in & out the door every 2 minutes, nobody following me to the bathroom, asking me who I'm talking to on the phone, fight me over the remote if I so choose to turn the TV on for back-noise, etc.
I LOVE Monday's! It's Friday @ 3pm that I don't look forward to.
Kidding---I love the weekends just as much b/c I get to spend them with my family that I missed all week long.

Keep CHRIST in Christmas

It boggles me every year this time when I start seeing the laziness of others writing X-mas.
What does the X mean? Does it mean that you are anti-mas?
How do you get X out of Christ? A Cross maybe since he did die on a cross but not an X.
For Christ-sake (which we don't say around here b/c I feel it is using Christ name in vain) but for His sake, since He did shed His life & die for your sins - be a little more loving & ANTI-lazy & type out or write 5 more letter b/c this X-mas you are referring to is CHRIST. And this "holiday" you are so excited about is HIS birthday after-all. But I'm sure since you are lazy enough to put X you aren't energized enough to put more thought into what the day really is about.

So sad that I have to include this but.... previous statements are not directed at anyone in particular. If you are one of those X-mas writing anti-Christ individuals then I am talking to you. But when writing this post I did not direct it at anyone in particular.

And Happy Holidays or Season's Greetings!
I also feel this is a lazy way of approaching the CHRISTmas Holiday.
Happy Holidays - is a way of being lazy because there are Christians who celebrate Christmas, Jews who celebrate Hanukkah & some that celebrate in other ways. So instead of shouting out Merry Christmas or Happy Hanukkah it's easy on the lazy folks to just say Happy Holidays.
Not only that some feel it is offensive if they happen to tell a Jew Merry Christmas.
I happen to be friends with several Jewish people & maybe I've just lucked up & met some of the nice ones but in conversations we have had about this topic they are not offended.
Say you met one of these said friends in an elevator & said Have a Merry Christmas, they too would say you have a Merry Christmas also & Happy Hanukkah as well. They don't find it offensive. They aren't crazy people. They realize that there are different types of Christians in this world & that some celebrate Christmas, some celebrate Hanukkah & some celebrate other things. It's life.
Season's Greetings - what the heck does this mean? The "season" is winter so are we greeting winter? Do we also greet spring, summer & fall? Jesus is the reason for the season....and every other season we are blessed enough to live through.

Now roll on over to Nicole's post because she posted a poem that says it pretty well too.

It's crappy being 30

5 years ago on my birthday I had an accident while shutting our very old front door that had glass panes. My hand went threw the glass & I severed 2 fingers. Now I only have little feeling or use of both my fingers on my right hand.
That day held a record for being the worst birthday ever.
Today my 30th birthday has knocked that one off the books.
First I didn't sleep much last night because I've been sick all week & last night being the worst with a high fever.
I finally fell asleep on the couch which meant I didn't have an alarm. I didn't wake anyone up on time (and still haven't come to why it's my responsibility to get the other adult of the house up). Therefore, everyone was running late.
My birthday money that was sitting on the counter was no longer sitting on the counter.
The food I asked the hubs to put up the night before was still sitting out on the counter - wasted!
Everyone left & I found a problem with the bedroom sheets which meant I had to wash them & if you remember from a previous VENT it takes me hours & hours to get all the sheets cleaned.
I started load #1 & took a 2 hour nap in hopes I would feel better when I woke up.
Got up & started making lunch plans with my sister. Talked to my mother who called to see what we were doing then proceeded to give me every excuse on why she had just decided she couldn't join us.
Had an emotional conversation with a family member who doesn't & will never understand why the relationship with my mother is the way it is & how other family members have said & done things that I won't forget & it causes distance that I feel necessary to add.
Went to lunch with sister & daughter (the only highlight of my day).
Came home to finish 4 more loads of bed sheets & to find out that the dryer was broke.
My birthday party got canceled.
My husband doesn't listen to me (1) what I wanted (2) where I wanted to go.
Issues involving my marriage that I would rather not discuss at this time flared up.
An irritable 7 year old, a sick female & a husband who wasn't in the best mood ended up in me being sang 1/2 the Happy Birthday song & wishing I could redo MY day all over again & forget this one ever happened.

30th birthday can suck it!

Rerun....Letter to Brandi @ 16

No post today. I figured I would refresh you with this post I wrote a year ago to myself @ age 16. Coming soon a post on reflecting on my 30 years.
_____________________
I got this idea from a blog I read.
Have been thinking about doing this myself for sometime but couldn’t decide on it.
See there has been tons of things that have happened to me that I put behind me & like for my blogger friends to look at the NOW Brandi as I am…not the THEN Brandi. This will bring skeletons out that you guys had no idea about. It might make you look at me differently. But then I thought – hey that was my life, that was how God intended on my life to be. We probably all have our skeletons we don’t want lurking their ugliness out BUT from time to time we have to think about them just so we remember that’s how it was & this is how it has changed so much.

So here it goes…


Dear Brandi @ 16,

Pull up a chair this may take a while.
I write this to you to prepare you for the years to come & know when you join me in the year 2009 (some 13 years later) you will realize the TRUE meanings God is sovereign & everything happens for a reason.

Stand up
Look at yourself in the mirror.
Eat!
Or months from now you will be confronted by someone dear to you about your eating habits. He (sister’s boyfriend) has been the man of the house for sometime now since your parents divorced. He will pretty much put it to you like it is. Thankfully him doing this probably saves your life & your body from wasting away.
Ok you may sit back down.

Your current boyfriend (the one of many that you think is the one) will soon hurt you one last time. It may sting for a while but it is the best thing that happens because for the first time in a year of taking the abuse you realize that you don’t deserve this & there is someone better for you.
And years will go of him tormenting you then turning around & try to apologize for all his faults. Listen to him! Don’t ignore him! Because a day will come when he is taken from this place & you will spend a great amount of time wishing you would have listened to him.

A 3 year relationship starts shortly after you turn 17. But please realize that your senior year of high school is supposed to be fun not stuck up this guys rear-end the entire year. You’ll have fun with your girls & you’ll get into a little trouble from time to time. But remember to do it more, do it often because you’ll regret it when the relationship ends a year after he goes to college. Nope he isn’t the one either.

You hook back up with your on-again off-again boyfriend that you started dating at the age of 13. You guys date, move in together & even get engaged. But he has a habit that you can’t live with & you make a decision to walk away. A decision that will affect you for years to come.

You have a child. Become a single parent. But you have tons of help from family & friends. And this little girl is a blessing in disguise. However, she doesn’t disguise it very well because everyone knows she is a blessing.
You live 5 years of your life with someone that you think you love & think you are happy with but shortly after it ends you will realize that the feelings were there because it was what you thought was “right”. During those 5 years you can’t get over that decision you made to walk out of someone’s life that needed your help.
Then BAM all of the sudden you & this person are married & spending the rest of your life together. So read back through again…..which person is this that you marry? Guess what? He’s the one! And this is the true attest to the saying ‘things happen for a reason’.
And there are other boyfriends in there that aren’t worth mentioning. And you will find out why in those years to come.

Your parents divorce leaves your relationship with your Dad not so great. But years will pass & things will happen & you will realize that no matter what he is & always will be your Daddy & the relationship will mend & be better than ever.
Your mother on the other hand will become mentally unstable. She will say & do things that are unforgiving. She will try to take her own life and that will damage the way you look at her forever. Well who’s to know what will happen after the year 2009 but looking at things now – you will not forgive her, you will pretty much write her off. Yes no matter what she is your mother but you make a decision to finally do what is right for Brandi and what is right is stepping away from her situation until she can figure out that she has a problem & needs help or until she profusely apologized & states that she realizes what she has done to you & the family. It will be a painful situation. There will be days that you miss your mother but there will also be days that you realize that to be a better person you had to free yourself from negativity.
You have a great bond with your Mother-in-law that sooths that hurt you feel from losing your own mother. It’s a different relationship all together. A great one. She will never replace your own Mom. Your Mom may feel jealousy towards her but you have to remember – she is ill.

George W. Bush will become President for 2 terms after Clinton.
Most American’s will show him their upmost disrespect.
The world will be changed forever on September 11, 2001.
Justin Timberlake will think he brought sexy back but he was much better looking in his younger Britney Spears days.
The local Dixie Crystal will blow up - hurting & killing many people.
The 44th President will make history because he is black. Well he’s a mixture of black & white but he must be one of those that chose one race over another so he calls himself black. Yeah even though we are all the same…that will go to show you we actually are not. He’s democrat.

You go to college but don’t finish because you hate what you went for.
Advise –finish it. It will be a good ‘fallback” during certain times of your life. You only have 1 more semesters. So what your teacher doesn’t like you & is failing you on purpose. Find other ways to finish.

You should keep the job you had while in College. Your boss is a great friend & she will always take care of you.
However if you don’t – you’ll lose some down the road & you will feel like a failure but give it time you will find out it was for the best.
You work for a builder, you quit there to work for a friend – Don’t.
You go back to that builder & you quit again for a better opportunity – Don’t.
That opportunity is the worst job & you’ll hate it. But be rewarded the day they ask you to leave. However, the timing will be bad because there are NO jobs out there. You’ll spend months looking for something, anything & one day you’ll land something perfect, better than the last one. But things will become really slow & you will spend most of your 9 hour days searching the internet, blogging & making to-do list. But it will give you time to complete your online course for your real estate license.
Yeah the market is terrible but hey you need this for your business so get out there & learn during the down time & hey you’re getting paid for it.

You will realize who your REAL friends are. Some come & go easily. Some hang on for a while sucking all the life out of you & stabbing you in the back. But the funny thing about your stressful wedding – you will find out who really means the most & come out on top of those who don’t.
Make time for the REAL ones because having an excuse & never having enough time for yourself & your friends will be heartbreaking later on.

You have that blessing of a little girl. She will have medical problems for the first 2, almost 3 years of her life. Things will be rough. But they only make you stronger. She will have one last surgery & things will miraculously get better & she will become a perfectly healthy child…for the most part.

You & the one decide to have another child. Don’t stress about it so much. It will take some time but when the time is right it will happen. If it doesn’t – then guess what….. it wasn’t meant to be.

Life will be a little tough from time to time. It was just meant to be that way. But you will always come out of the rough times. Learn early on that you have to be the better person sometimes….ok a lot of the time. Add distance between you & the negative people in your life. Don’t worry about what people think they know, you know what you do, you know what your husband does – they do not. Some people just like to start stuff. And last which I know you will not have a problem with – your family (the ones who live in your house) come first. They are all that matters in this life.

Sincerely,

Brandi @ 29